Recently, I made an impromptu trip back to my hometown. An uncle had passed away after only a matter of weeks of being bedridden. An uncle who has had a profound impact on my life as he simply lived out his life for Christ; whose wife, my mom’s sister, has also always been a wonderful, godly example to me of what a christian woman and wife should be; and whose only daughter was my cousin, best friend growing up, and the matron of honor in my wedding. I had to be there. But I almost wasn’t. Airline tickets last-minute like that were crazy expensive – double the price I expected to pay and triple what I had hoped to find as a ‘deal’.
I thought I wasn’t going to make it.
Then, my husband remembered that he had racked up some frequent flyer miles through a business trip to Australia earlier in the year. He kindly used them to buy my ticket back home to mourn the loss of my uncle while also commemorating his life well-lived for Jesus, and to spend time with my extended family members.
As I have pondered the days spent in my hometown, I have been convicted. I’ve mourned lost opportunities and I have rejoiced. I have discovered in myself a pride that I did not realize existed. I developed a humble desire to make a true change in my life. I have come to understand that there are some areas where I have been walking in disobedience to God. Through it all, I have grown closer still to Jesus. Over the course of four days away, that almost didn’t happen, I was changed. I have no doubt that those days were divinely appointed by God.
I’ve never been a good finisher. I will start a project and then abandon it a quarter of the way in. That is frustrating, for me as well as for those who know me. I can’t tell you how many ideas I’ve had that just ran with and now the barely begun project just sits, waiting for me to get back to it. How many projects have I dropped because things became difficult, I lost interest, or I faced a challenge I didn’t think I could meet? Too many. I’m not proud that this is my track record. I have worked hard to NOT be that person. Yet, it is still my tendency.
Several months ago, when I began to feel that God wanted to do a new thing in me and with my blog, I was excited. This was just what I needed. Change the blog name. Tweak the focus. I can do this. I need this. This is my year. Fear will hold me back no longer. I’m on the cusp. So I ran with it.
Just like me, right? I did pray about it. I do believe God wanted me to become the Purpose Living Wife, and to live my life with passion and purpose. I heard Him and I obeyed.
Yet, just a couple months into the change I began to feel this tug of guilt. As if I hadn’t listened.
How could that be, God? I asked you for guidance. Didn’t you tell me to become the Purpose Living Wife? I’ve done that. See my new blog title and web address? See my new graphics? See how I have niched down further on my topics to reach women? And now you’re telling me I was disobedient?!
Have you ever been there? Have you been in a position where you felt like you thought you had heard from God? But then you talked yourself out of it by reasoning with yourself? By looking at all of ‘the facts’ and coming to the conclusion that it just doesn’t makes sense and that couldn’t be what God wants?
That’s where I was. And I resisted. In fact, I flat out told myself it couldn’t be God because why would he ask me to do something that was completely opposite of what I had decided to do? Why would He ask me to become the Purpose Living Wife and then tell me not to?
The truth is, He didn’t.
How can I quit now? What will people think? I’m quitting. Again. And everyone will know.
Surely you don’t want me to be embarrassed, God…. really?
I have realized that I was only partially obedient. Many of us have heard, and likely even told our children, that “partial obedience is disobedience”. I did hear from God. He does want me to become the Purpose Living Wife, living life with passion and purpose. But.
I’ve been so busy trying to ‘become’ the Purpose Living Wife that I have failed to listen and obey God completely in my personal life.
With my husband and my children. With my friends. With my parents and other extended family members. I took my eyes and heart off of what God truly meant for me to do and put them on crafting graphics, creating blog posts that will be popular, and on making money. Not the original intent of my work here and the purpose God has for me in this season of my life.
I know that God does not promise an easy road. It is hard work to do what God calls us to do. However, the bible says that God’s yoke is easy and his burden is light. That has not been the case for me over these many months. I have been striving to be something, someone, that God did not call me to be. My yoke has been difficult and my burden heavy. This tells me that I have taken on something God never intended for me to take on. And I have ignored the true purpose and calling He had for me in his prompting to become the Purpose Living Wife.
My pride? Oh. Yes. There is that. I’m sorry, God. I want to honor you. I never meant to run ahead of you. Again. I will lay down my pride. My marriage, my family, they are way more important than what others think of me.
In this season I need most to serve my family. To love my children, to raise them to know Him, to respect and honor my husband and to be his friend. To walk through my days, each and every one and in all that I do, with the passion and purpose God means for me to live my life.
In short, my focus needs to change.
As I begin to make changes and get things back in the proper priority, you will notice that I am writing less here. Over the next few months, I do have some guest posts lined up from some lovely women who will bless you with recipes and encouragement as moms and wives. My desire and calling is still to encourage women to live life with passion and purpose. Things will be changing here on the blog, and my life will look a bit different, but I will be seeking God on how blogging is to fit in. It simply cannot be the top priority in my life.
I know you all understand the need to prioritize and re-prioritize sometimes. Each of us gets things out of order from time to time. Thank you for your prayers and support.
Are there any areas in your life where you need to re-evaluate and re-prioritize? Leave me a comment to let me know so I can pray for you!
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