Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Succeeding at both together can sometimes seem impossible. Yet, God promises me that I can do it. I can overcome. In fact, He has overcome for me and I simply need to look to Him for my every need.
I know this. Yet…..
I struggle in my everyday. I get angry. I make wrong choices. I am sometimes discontent.
Our family has been through the wringer over the past 6 months. It’s not the same kind of wringer as those who have lost loved ones from cancer or freak accidents. We don’t have children who have run away or who suffer from debilitating physical illnesses. However, we have struggled.
I’m not sure about others, but my spiral downward into a ‘depression day’ typically begins with big emotion. Perhaps disrespectful behavior, a revelation, hurt feelings and anger are the catalyst. I am working on changing, but I tend to take these things very personally. Typically, the day after, I will wake up and not even want to get out of bed. I mean, if I stay in bed I can’t fail anyone, right?
That is what the evil one would like me to think, but it’s a lie.
Even though I know this, I don’t always recognize it or resist the temptation to simply lie there. I do eventually get up and start my day….no lying in the bed all day here…..but sometimes it is just. so. hard.
This morning was one of ‘those’ mornings. The moment I opened my eyes I knew it. I felt this heavy weight. I was sad. I just didn’t want to start. It felt hopeless. But I did it anyway. Knowing that my eldest daughter would be leaving for her second week of public school soon, and that if I did not get myself downstairs I would miss telling her goodbye, got me moving. I stumbled downstairs, muttered good morning and started making my breakfast…..making sure to brew my cup of coffee first thing. As my husband prepared to take my daughter to school he came over, put an arm around me, and quietly said,
[Tweet “Thank you for getting up today. I know that is a big deal.”]
I have to say that it was nice to hear him acknowledge my feat. But it was also hard to hear. I mean, who gets an “attagirl” for getting out of bed everyday?!
Me. I do. And at this time I have to be content with that. It is what it is. I did conquer the temptation today to stay in bed because I think it is the ‘safe’ option. (It is not, do not be fooled!) It is never the safe option to close yourself off from people, to keep secrets, to suffer alone. We must reach out. And accept the simple words of encouragement offered to us, even when they are hard to hear.
What does God’s Word say?
These are some of my favorite verses from Psalm 139, but be sure to read the entire chapter to get a clear picture of just how precious you are to the God who created you.
Psalm 139: 13-16
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
Psalm 119: 73-74
You made me; you created me.
Now give me the sense to follow your commands.
May all who fear you find in me a cause for joy, for I have put my hope in your word.
I encourage you, even out of my own personal struggles, to take God’s word and make it your own. Renew your mind and take His encouragement with you throughout today, even in your hard everyday.
UPDATE: I just finished reading this new book by Gillian Marchenko about her struggle with depression. Still Life is an excellent read and very relatable. I found myself nodding, crying, and laughing through the pages because much of her story is where I have found myself over the last year, from the desire to lie in bed and hide, to thoughts I’d rather not have, to feeling guilt and shame over my mothering (or lack there of), and hiding in the bathroom to find courage before speaking or even simply entering a room full of people.
Still Life: A Memoir of Living Fully with Depression is available for Kindle (currently $10.99) and in paperback for $12.99. Head on over and give it a look.
Do you need prayer? Please feel free to contact me or leave a comment below so I can lift you up to the One Who Heals.
Follow my Pinterest Board, Understanding Depression, to find even more resources to help you understand this illness and how you can help yourself or a loved one.
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